"Later Mom"

Todd and I always had a very close relationship. Since Bill was working long hours and moving as we did, it was hard to make close friends. Todd and I became best friends. He would sit on the counter in the kitchen talking to me while I cooked. I never had to ask Todd to help around the house; he always pitched right in. Todd and Shannon got along so well that Indiana neighbors remarked on their great brother/sister relationship.

When Brandon came along, Todd spent a lot of time with him. It wasn't unusual when Brandon began walking to hear him get out of his bed and walk downstairs to sleep with Todd. I knew when I was gone, Todd would take excellent care of Shannon and Brandon.

Todd and I enjoyed walking together and talking. We would take Brandon in the stroller on our walks. Todd would push the stroller up the hills, and I would push the stroller on the flat roads.

Among the many things we talked about on our walks were these tips from Dr. Peale's books. Todd seemed to be getting into these ideas too. He had a journal and wrote some of the quotes from one of the books in it.

When February 6th, 1988 came along, I told Todd that we should do what we could to make it a great day. The year before, on February 6th, hadn't been too great. I wasn't about to sit around having another pity party. I'd been reading Dr. Peale's books, and I was determined to have this overcoming life these other people had I was reading about.

I told Todd we should do something special this year on February 6th, something we hadn't done before to make the day great. Todd agreed and was quickly on the phone making plans to go sledding with some friends. Around noon Todd walked to the back door. Brandon was crying, wanting to go with Todd. I was standing at the kitchen sink trying to defrost a frozen chicken that I planned to make that evening. With a point of his finger, Todd said, "Later, Mom." Little did I know then how much later that would be.

My Search Intensifies

Over the next few years, we moved many times and lived in several states. My dad had been sick for quite some time. He had developed emphysema and lung cancer from all his years of smoking. Dad lived in Michigan, so making the trip home to visit him was quite a long haul.

Dad was in and out of the hospital. When Dad was released from the hospital, I would drive 9 hours to check on him. I'd try to make sure he had what he needed. Dad wanted to stay in his own home; he was adamant about not going to a nursing home.

My mom had died many years before, and I'm an only child. Neil, who was a great friend to my dad, came to my rescue. Neil would call and stop in every day to make sure Dad was okay. Neil and I stayed in touch by phone, so I knew what was going on. I was now pregnant with Brandon. Driving the 9 hours to Michigan made the trip interesting. I knew every rest area along the way. My dad lived to see Brandon. Dad died on February 6, 1986.

The first year on the anniversary of my dad's death, I was down. No one called to share my grief, and I said to myself, "Well, who would call? You're an orphan!" This day did not go well, as you can tell.

After the first anniversary of dad's death, my search to fill this void inside me intensified. For some strange reason, I thought I was going to die. I began watching the TV program, The Hour Of Power.

I knew I was on to something with these Dr. Peale books.

I wanted Todd to get an understanding of what these books were about. I'd read the books, then I'd type the tips I thought would help Todd. As odd as it was for me to do, I started to type, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength." Philippians 4:13 at the bottom of the typed pages.

I thought if I died, Todd would share these ideas from Dr. Peale's books with Shannon and Brandon.

I Think I'm On To Something

I wasn't much of a reader back in those days, but I started to go to the public library for some reason. I decided I would look for books on "self-help." I felt maybe I could find something to fill this empty feeling I had inside. I went up and down all the aisles.

Finally, I stop in the Psychology section. I selected several books from many different authors. Most of the books were meaningless. I really got nothing out of them. However, one particular author really seems to have what I was looking for. His name was Dr. Norman Vincent Peale. I figured he was a psychologist or a medical doctor of some kind.

Dr. Peale's books started to show me a new way of thinking and living. I read all the books in the psychology section by Dr. Peale. I wondered if he might have other books in the library, too; I decided to check.

Much to my surprise, Dr. Peale's books were also under the "Religion" section. One thing I knew, for sure, it was not a religion I was looking for. Even though I knew I wasn't looking for "religion," I checked out more of Dr. Peale's books from the "Religion" section.

There was something different about these books. Dr. Peale quoted some Bible texts, and I could see how the Bible was really a very practical book. I'd never seen it that way before. I really felt I was on to something.

An Emptiness Deep Inside

I don't remember thinking about walking by faith again until many years later. In fact, I was in my late thirties when I actually asked the Lord to start helping me find my way home. Before that time, I stumbled along in life, blindly trying to find my way. I wasn't sure back then where my final destination would be. I just wanted to make it through each day. I always had an emptiness deep inside that nothing I tried filled.

During my teens, twenties, and early thirties, I had brief encounters with the Lord. At one of the lowest points in my late teens the song, "Jesus Loves Me This I Know" came to mind. I couldn't believe Jesus would love me the way I was living. But I know now that He did.

After our daughter, Shannon, was born, I had an experience that slowly started to point me in the right direction. I was now in my middle twenties. I had a dream, or I would actually call it a nightmare, that woke me up in a cold sweat. I will never forget it. I was in a dark, gloomy, dirty city. People were walking around lifeless and filled with hate, treating each other in despicable ways. I was right along with them. Everyone was miserable and very unhappy. I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart was pounding, I was really shaken! Could this be what the hell was like? I couldn't get the nightmare out of my mind. I knew I didn't want this to be my final destination. As I moved into my early thirties, I was still looking for something to fill my emptiness. I knew what I'd tried in the past hadn't worked.

The Beginning Of The Journey

Have you ever started out on a journey not knowing the way? You know what your final destination will be, but you have no idea how long it will take. Well, that's the way the journey of faith is with the Lord. At some point, we know our final destination will be at home with Him. However, the way home can take many turns with all kinds of weather conditions.

Some turns on the journey are to the right; when we turn that way, we feel we are making fast progress. Other turns are to the left; we're not so sure this is the way. We climb some small hills; however, we can make them into significant mountains by our thinking. When that happens, it takes longer to get over them. Other times we really run into a mountain. We shift into a lower gear and start the climb.

On the journey, we have days of sunshine. We bask in the sun and feel the warmth of its rays. There are cloudy days that we think will never end. Then there is rain, oh yes, there is rain from a slight drizzle to a downpour. Every so often, there are hurricanes, earthquakes, or some other major disaster that makes us feel we have been kicked right in the stomach. The faith journey is an adventure, that's for sure, with all kinds of weather conditions.

My simple faith journey started many years ago. My first memory of walking by faith came on a walk to town. I'd walked downtown to buy something at the grocery store for my mom. When I reached into my pocket for the money she had given me, I couldn't find it. I ran home in tears. Mom and I retraced my steps; as we walked, we talked. Mom said if we found the money, that would be great. However, if we didn't, then the Lord knew someone needed it more than we did. Either way, I could see it was in the Lord's hands. My faith journey started at that moment.