The Beginning Of The Slow Healing Process

There was a raging battle going on in my mind. My mind was still refusing to accept that Todd was gone. I could not comprehend that he was dead. I always saw everything through a haze. I kept telling myself, "I'm going to wake up any minute. I must be in a nightmare." But as much as I didn't want to believe this was happening, I found myself forced to deal with the reality of it whenever the phone rang.

It came time to make the arrangements with the funeral home. The funeral director asked us to pick out the clothes we wanted Todd to wear; then bring them with us when we came to pick out the casket.

My mind went off at the very thought. One side was screaming, "This is some sick joke! I won't believe it!" However, the other side was saying softly, "This is true; you must believe and accept it."

I walked downstairs to Todd's room. I looked through his clothes. Although I wanted to keep the clothes I chose for him to wear, I gathered them anyway. Picking out Todd's clothes made me feel sick, but I believe it was an essential part of the slow healing process.

We drove over to the funeral home. A very kind man took us to a room full of caskets. I had never seen anything like it. We chose a beautiful wooden one. As I walked around, still with a haze over my eyes, my mind kept racing. There was this frantic side saying, "I need to get out of here! This situation can't be real!" Then the calming quiet side would say, "Why are you here if this is not real?"

At some point, we were asked what kind of background music we would like to be played at the calling hours. I said, "We aren't religious people so just play some secular music."

When I went to bed at night, I felt a tremendous weight on my chest. I could hardly breathe. Now in the privacy of the bedroom, my emotions were starting to come out. I began to sob and sob.

When I took my bath, I would close the glass doors and sob. I believe part of this crying alone was because I didn't want to upset Shannon or Brandon. I was doing my best to hold it together for them, on the one hand, but I was still in denial that Todd was dead on the other. I kept wanting to believe Todd was going to walk through the back door at any time.

Little Did I Know Then ...

The phone rang. When I answered it, I heard the voice of one of the boys Todd had gone sledding with. "Mrs. Heitsch, there's been a terrible accident." "What, did Todd get hurt on the sled?" I asked. "No" was his only reply. There was a long pause. "Where are you?" I started to feel half sick. "We're on County Road 81 near Zoar."

I had no idea where County Road 81 was. We had only lived in the area for a little while. I thought Todd and the boys were going sledding in town on Dice Hill. How did they get out in the country?

I called Bill at work. I didn't have a car since Bill had one and Todd had the other. Bill would need to find County Road 81. Bill told his office girl, Wendy, what I had said. Wendy knew exactly where County Road 81 was. I called Shannon, who was visiting her friend Amanda who lived across the street. I told her she would need to come home and watch Brandon. I told her, "Something has happened to Todd."

I started to do what I normally did when I was upset; I got the vacuum out and began to clean.

Amanda called her mom, Judy, at work, and she came home. Judy came running over to the house. Judy suggested we go to the hospital. She was sure they would take Todd there if he was hurt; I agreed and jumped into her car. Judy dropped me off at the Emergency Room door, and she parked the car.

When I walked into the Emergency Room, I didn't recognize anyone I knew, but everyone seemed to know me when I gave my name. At once, all eyes were on me. Then just as suddenly, everyone's eyes dropped to the floor. Not realizing it, I'm sure, their heads began to shake in a negative motion. The clincher came when I was not asked how I planned to pay, but rather if I would please wait in a small room where the doctor would come and talk with me.

Judy came rushing in after parking the car, Immediately she asked, "What's going on?" I told her I knew Todd was dead. I remember her saying, "Did someone tell you that?" I said, "No, but look at how people are acting. I can certainly read body language"

The nurse came around the desk and took us to the small room to wait. The doctor and Bill walked into the room about the same time; I looked up. I don't remember what the doctor actually said, but I was right; Todd was dead.

When I heard the doctor's words, instantly everything seemed to be covered with a haze. I sat staring into space. After a few minutes, I got up and slowly walked out of the room. I couldn't believe this was happening. I felt like I was watching this sad scene playing out in front of me, but I wasn't a part of it.

As we walked towards the Emergency Room door, I saw people I knew who worked at the hospital. The news that Todd had died must have spread. I saw several kind-hearted people, but I said nothing. You never know how you will react when tragedy strikes. I thought I would have screamed and yelled; I did neither.

We drove home in silence. I walked into the house in a daze. I stood at the kitchen sink where the now thawed chicken still sat. "This must be some kind of a nightmare! I can't believe this is happening! This is not true! I won't believe it!" These words were screaming in my brain.