The Beginning Of The Slow Healing Process

There was a raging battle going on in my mind. My mind was still refusing to accept that Todd was gone. I could not comprehend that he was dead. I always saw everything through a haze. I kept telling myself, "I'm going to wake up any minute. I must be in a nightmare." But as much as I didn't want to believe this was happening, I found myself forced to deal with the reality of it whenever the phone rang.

It came time to make the arrangements with the funeral home. The funeral director asked us to pick out the clothes we wanted Todd to wear; then bring them with us when we came to pick out the casket.

My mind went off at the very thought. One side was screaming, "This is some sick joke! I won't believe it!" However, the other side was saying softly, "This is true; you must believe and accept it."

I walked downstairs to Todd's room. I looked through his clothes. Although I wanted to keep the clothes I chose for him to wear, I gathered them anyway. Picking out Todd's clothes made me feel sick, but I believe it was an essential part of the slow healing process.

We drove over to the funeral home. A very kind man took us to a room full of caskets. I had never seen anything like it. We chose a beautiful wooden one. As I walked around, still with a haze over my eyes, my mind kept racing. There was this frantic side saying, "I need to get out of here! This situation can't be real!" Then the calming quiet side would say, "Why are you here if this is not real?"

At some point, we were asked what kind of background music we would like to be played at the calling hours. I said, "We aren't religious people so just play some secular music."

When I went to bed at night, I felt a tremendous weight on my chest. I could hardly breathe. Now in the privacy of the bedroom, my emotions were starting to come out. I began to sob and sob.

When I took my bath, I would close the glass doors and sob. I believe part of this crying alone was because I didn't want to upset Shannon or Brandon. I was doing my best to hold it together for them, on the one hand, but I was still in denial that Todd was dead on the other. I kept wanting to believe Todd was going to walk through the back door at any time.