Different Feelings and Emotions

The days that followed the funeral brought many different feelings and emotions. I was having a tough time accepting that Todd was gone. I wasn't the only one having a hard time. Todd's friends were calling and coming over. They, too, were trying to make some sense out of this horrible reality.

Brandon, who was almost 3, started to develop a stuttering problem. Brandon was confused as to why Todd wasn't home. He would pick up the phone and pretend Todd was on the other end. Brandon would call out, telling me Todd was on the phone and he wanted to talk to me, stuttering every word. Hearing him stutter and pretending Todd was on the phone triggered a stabbing pain in my stomach. This terrible pain flared up whenever I had to deal with something unpleasant concerning Todd. The pain would get so severe that I curled up in a ball on the floor several times.

I was starting to see that my feelings and emotions were trying to control me. I found myself standing at the counter in the kitchen, looking out the window, and eating. I wasn't hungry, but I was letting the food bring me comfort. When I realized what was happening, this thought came to my mind, "You will not be happy with the results of this behavior." I found myself thinking about sitting in the closet in the dark. I knew doing this would not bring Todd back, but somehow this odd thought kept coming to my mind.

I'd go down to Todd's room and lie on his bed, remembering all of our talks we had together there. I'd look in his drawers picking up unusual things he'd saved, wondering why he had saved them. The smell of Todd seemed to linger in his room. I felt close to him there. I would hold his coat close to my nose and sob into it.

Taking long baths was something I looked forward to. The warm water brought some comfort and a needed release of tears. I learned that tears of sorrow are made up of various chemicals than normal tears. Tears from grief bring healing to the body.

I wasn't sure how much longer I could go on living like this. The thought to take my own life started coming to my mind.