Todd Was Not There

The next day we drove over to the funeral home early. Much to my surprise, there were teenagers already in the parking lot waiting. We walked up the ramp into the funeral home. I started to shake. I don't know if it was from the cold or just my nerves. I felt a knot in my stomach.

I wasn't sure if I could stand to look at Todd. I walked over to the casket. At that moment, I had the strangest feeling. Yes, this body looked like Todd, in a way. He had on the black stone-washed jeans, blue striped shirt, cranberry sweater. His letterman jacket was lying beside his body, but Todd was not there. My Todd was gone! I was sure of it! What I was looking at was only a body, but the real Todd wasn't there anymore.

 I couldn't understand or explain it. I'd seen many dead people over the years. However, I'd never had this feeling before. My Aunt Carmeleta walked up to stand by me. I looked at her and said, "Todd's gone, and I don't know where he is." She said something to the effect that Todd was right there, but I knew, and no one could tell me any differently, that he was gone.

I was astonished at the number of people who came to the calling hours. We hadn't lived in Dover all that long. We had moved so many times, leaving people I cared about behind. Because of that, I didn't try to get very close with people. Todd, I felt, had done the same thing. After all, we had each other, so it didn't matter.

I knew some of the people who came, but many I didn't know. Teenagers kept walking up and talking. Many felt that Todd was their best friend. I thought that was special. I could feel the love and compassion people were showing me. I started to invite many of the teenagers over to the house.

Andrew, a cross-country running friend, asked if he could put some running metals in the casket with Todd. Andrew said he wanted Todd to have them because he knew that Todd would have won many; had he been able to run again. Andrew felt he would win more for himself.

Todd's actual funeral service was held in Lapeer, Michigan, even though we lived in Dover, Ohio, at the time. We decided to have Todd buried in Lapeer because Bill grew up there, and his folks were still living in Lapeer. We'd moved so many times we didn't feel we had a hometown.

Tim Michel, a good friend of Todd's, flew to Lapeer from Indiana. Todd and Tim went to Georgetown Elementary together and played football in the 5th and 6th grades. They had formed quite a bond.

Aunt Carmeleta had sent me a Christian music tape for Christmas one year. I'd played it several times when Todd was learning to drive in the van. I chose a couple of songs off of that tape to be played at Todd's funeral. One-piece was "Under His Wings," and the other one was "Because He Lives, I Can Face Tomorrow." I find it interesting the choice of songs I chose. I have to believe deep down I knew that a personal relationship with the Lord was what I was looking for even then.

The service was nice enough; I have no idea what was said, though. I know Aunt Carmeleta wrote something for the minister to read. Before I knew it, the service was over.

 I had brought Snooks, Todd's favorite stuffed animal, with me. I waited until everyone was gone then took Snooks out of the bag. Snooks had been a special part of Todd's life ever since he was a baby. Todd even took good ol' battered Snooks, with his one black and one navy blue ear, on all family vacations. I knew Todd would want to have Snooks with him. I carefully put Snooks in Todd's arms and kissed him one last time, and whispered, "I love you, Todd."